Types of Toxic Friends and Other Toxic People To Kick Out Of Your Life

Types of Toxic Friends and Others To Kick Out Of Your Life

Time To Break Up: 20 Toxic People to Kick Out of Your Life — Stat!

We all have one or two “friends” who drag us down instead of make us better. If you have someone in your life who’s taking more than they’re giving, it might be time to go your separate ways

by Ronnie Koenig

The half-assed friend

She forgets to return calls for months, doesn’t acknowledge your special occasions and is generally MIA. When you do make plans, she’s always rescheduling at the last minute or showing up super late.

“You should dump this ‘friend’ because she does not respect your time or your life,” says LeRoy. “You need to spend that time with those who do appreciate you as a friend and who are interested in your life.”

The verdict: Time to move on to someone who has friendship to give.

The Frenemy

She’s your friend, but also your arch enemy. How is this fun?

“Women deserve friendships in which they support each other’s triumphs as opposed to bringing each other down,” says Jessica LeRoy, psychotherapist and founder of Center for the Psychology of Women. “Some women who are a bit more insecure may believe that they deserve this type of friendship, or that this is normal female behavior. In reality, supporting each other makes us feel much better about ourselves and our friends.”

Read the full post »

Friendships Take Effort – by both parties

I was at another site where this letter was published.

A few people actually opined at the other site that friendships do not take effort, because really great friendships are effortless, that if you are putting in effort, something is wrong.

What a bunch of crap that is.

I can see how that view might be true in the “honeymoon” phase of a new friendship, where you feel you’ve just met someone who really “gets” you, and they are a pleasure to be around, but sure enough, as time marches on, the euphoria of the newness of it all will wear off, and you will begin to notice flaws with your new friend. Your new friend may begin to do or say things that hurt or offend you.

Once a friendship (or marriage) begins to age, it will take SOME effort to maintain and keep going, especially if there are disagreements.

Here’s the letter and response:

Ask Amy: Keeping adult friendships alive takes effort

DEAR AMY: I had a huge fight with my best friend of 10 years. She called me phony, among other hurtful things. She says she doesn’t care to have a friend like me because I don’t reach out to her enough and that I make no effort to make plans with her. I agree we haven’t seen each other often enough. But Amy, she doesn’t ask me to make plans either, which is why I am so thrown off by this.

This is the third time we’ve had this argument and have stopped talking for weeks each time. I feel horrible because she accuses me of not being there for her without giving me any hint that she needs me. She now says she is done with me. She has hurt me, and I don’t know if I should contact her. Should I forgive her and try to repair this friendship, or let it die? — Sad Friend

DEAR SAD: I shared your question with Julie Klam, author of “Friendkeeping: A Field Guide to the People You Love, Hate, and Can’t Live Without” (2012, Riverhead).

Klam responded, “I think you owe it to yourself and your best friend of 10 years to have a conversation. If that’s too difficult, you should write a letter. She is accusing you of neglecting her and you are naturally feeling defensive.

“If for a moment you can drop your defensiveness and describe how you imagine she feels, you might be able to work things out rather than abandon each other.

“If she’s open to it, make a monthly plan that you can both stick to, so there is always a date on the books. As adults, our lives are so packed with family, work, life obligations that our friendships can tend to fall by the wayside, but you both need to make the effort together or it isn’t going to work. If she isn’t responsive, at least you’ll know you’ve tried.”
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Related post at this blog:

Friendships – Are You The One Always Making the Plans or Initiating the Phone Calls?

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Please be sure to read the most important post at this blog:
A Warning About The Friendship Blog – Toxic – Unfriendly Bullied Bullies Trolls Dr Irene S Levine

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Friend Poaching – when your friends friend each other and ignore you

A list of links on the topic of Friend Poaching (also known as friend napping and other terms).

I am not necessarily in full agreement with all material to which I am linking.

The Friend Poaching Syndrome

Don’t Poach My Pals They’re Not on The Menu

Quotes:

The consummate party-thrower Carole Stone, author of Networking – The Art of Making Friends, insists that one must be philosophical when it comes to sharing contacts. “I wholeheartedly believe that you shouldn’t be possessive when it comes to friendships,” she says.

“You will get a lot of pleasure from bringing people together, and if you do happen to lose one or two along the way, that’s a sacrifice worth making.”

Stone says that if you meet people at a social event and want to invite them for drinks, good manners dictate that you ask along your original hostess as well – at least on the first occasion.

Thereafter, the gloves are off and you are perfectly at liberty to book that summer break in Italy together, should you so wish.

When ‘social poachers‘ snatch your friends – CNN.com

Quotes (advice) from the CNN page:

• Be inclusive. “It’s good manners to ask your friend to join you the first and second time you hang out with the new person,” says Lavinthal.

• Branch out cautiously. Just as parents need to spend time individually with each of their children, says Yager, friends need one-on-one time, too. “Point out to your friend that spending time with just your new friend does not diminish your feelings for your old friend. Make an effort to spend time with each of them individually so your old friend won’t feel left out or pushed aside.”

• Prepare for hurt feelings. Rejection and anger are natural reactions to friend poaching, says Roy-Jarboe. “As you start to spend time with your new friend, realize that there will be hurt feelings. Talk to your original friend about what she may be feeling. Give her a chance to express her feelings. Don’t get defensive — this is a natural response.”

Losing One Friend to Another

Beware of Social Poachers

This seems to defend the practice of friend poaching:

Things that can be Poached

I detest the Jezebel site, but here’s an article by them:

“Social Poaching” Is The New Euphemism For Friend-Snatching

I can’t say that I’m in total agreement with this page (“Friend Poaching: The Social Crime of Friend Theft“), as the writer sets out too many nit picky rules about when, how, and where to acquire your friends of a friend.

Friends are humans with their own lives, ability to make their own decisions, and preferences and free will, but the person who wrote this behaves as though your friends are your property at your command:

Friend Poaching: The Social Crime of Friend Theft

Friend poaching: When friends bond and leave you behind

Here are some quotes:

Making friends through friends is a well-worn route to new relationships and certainly can be done without hurt feelings. But if handled poorly and without respect for established relationships, it also can drive a wedge between friends.

Jealousy is a factor at every age, said Jeffrey Parker, a developmental psychologist at the University of Alabama, Tuscaloosa.

….Poaching can be driven by competitiveness, a need to expand a social network, busy lives that make it hard to meet people and, of course, a real connection with a new person, Smith said.

Good friends already have vetted their network, and it is easy to go through someone you trust. And some people take it too far, relying completely on friends to establish networks. Smith calls them “serial” poachers.

….Most people learn early on that friendships are not static. One near-universal experience is the first time you lose a friend to a boyfriend or girlfriend, said psychologist Parker.

But even as adults, poaching can draw out our insecurities.

…Poaching usually stems from a lack of respect or care to make sure you are not hurting someone in the process. But there are ways to avoid a poach and transition into new friendships without leaving angry friends in your wake.

There are a few ways to help ease the transition, Smith said, such as being open with the connecting friend that you like their friends. Incorporating the new person into group events rather than immediately inviting that person over to your house for dinner will help keep it more natural.

The transition also can be as simple as e-mailing the hostess and telling her you really loved her friend and that it would be fun if you all got together. And resist gossiping about the original connecting friend, Smith said.

“We can’t possibly protect our friendships from poaching unless we lock our best friends up in a room somewhere,” Parker said. “The reality is as we grow up we have to learn to weather these things, to remain flexible, to be patient with these experiences.”

It’s the simple lesson learned in grade school — share with others.

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Please be sure to read the most important post at this blog:
A Warning About The Friendship Blog – Toxic – Unfriendly Bullied Bullies Trolls Dr Irene S Levine

Why You Should De Friend Your Ex Friend on Facebook

Quite often the advice one sees for romantic partners can also apply to platonic friends. I think this is another example:

Why You Should Defriend Your Ex on Facebook

Breakups suck. Whether it was a peaceful or crazy split, trying to get over your former man [or platonic friend] will be hard. Want to move on fast? Defriend him [or her] on Facebook.

By Dara Adeeyo

According to a new study from the Cyberpsychology, Behavior, and Social Networking journal, keeping tabs on your ex’s life online will keep you kinda hooked on him [or her]. In the study, researchers evaluated the Facebook usage, emotional recovery, and personal judgement of 464 participants after they went through a breakup. The results were totally shocking.

Study participants who kept tabs on their exes, felt more upset about their breakup than those who didn’t. Researchers also discovered that Facebook, uh, stalking an ex basically makes you feel as crappy as you would if you were forced to hang with him as “just friends” on a regular basis.

Bottom line: Taking a look at what your ex is up to is just not a good idea if you want to move on.

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Please be sure to read the most important post at this blog:
A Warning About The Friendship Blog – Toxic – Unfriendly Bullied Bullies Trolls Dr Irene S Levine

Male Friendships (a study on the evolution of)

I’m not a dude, and I intend for this blog to be for women and their issues with friendship, but I found this article about male friendships:

Modern males forge deep bonds with core friends – report

Quotes from the article:

The average man has six defined types of friends, according to a new report on male friendship, which says most men rely on the pilot, rock, explorer, wit, hero and coach for moral guidance and emotional support.

“The Evolution of Friendship” report uses research and interviews with experts and academics alongside chats with groups of men [from around the world].

It argues that it has become more important for modern men to forge deep relationships with a core group of friends as a way to operate in an increasingly complex world and that those men are more in touch with each other’s feelings.

London-based psychologist Felix Economakis said in the report, from whisky maker Chivas Regal, that modern men have left behind the austere rules of friendship for more emotional demonstrations of frailty.

…The report argues the evolution of friendship has moved from the reserved 19th and 20th century model, in which men were more independently minded, to a 21st century interconnected world of the kind depicted in films such as “Wedding Crashers,” in which two friends openly profess their emotional reliance on each other.

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Please be sure to read the most important post at this blog:
A Warning About The Friendship Blog – Toxic – Unfriendly Bullied Bullies Trolls Dr Irene S Levine

Friendships – Are You The One Always Making the Plans or Initiating the Phone Calls

Are you in one of those friendships where you are normally the one who initiates phone calls, e-mails, and get togethers?

Do you sometimes feel as though you’re putting more effort into the relationship than your friend, and does this either annoy you a lot or hurt your feelings, or both, or make you feel used or taken for granted?

Realize that it’s up to you to make these feelings known to your friend, or nothing will change.

Don’t assume your friend will realize on her own how you feel and adjust her behavior accordingly. Don’t be afraid of how your friend may react when you tell her how her lack of effort bothers you, and yes, she may get angry or tell you she feels hurt. That’s fine should that happen.

It’s better to openly air these grievances with your friend than to keep bottling up the negative emotions, because as it is right now, you are in a sham of a friendship and not the real thing, unless your friend picks up the slack and starts contributing equally.

As psychologists Cloud and Townsend advise, you should not bear most or all of the responsibilities in a friendship, or in keeping one alive.

Here is what they say about the issue, and I think most women need to focus on points number three and seven on this list, above all the others:

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Remember the Marsha-Tammy friendship [that was mentioned previously, where Marsha did all the work in the friendship; Tammy never planned their days out, nor Did Tammy ever initiate phone calls, which really upset Marsha]?

One friend doing all the work and the other coasting illustrates the compliant / nonresponsive conflict. One party feels frustrated and resentful; the other wonders what the problem is. Marsha sensed that the friendship wasn’t as important to Tammy as it was to her.

Let’s analyze the situation:

1. What are the symptoms?
Marsha feels depressed, resentful, and unimportant. Tammy, however, may feel guilty or overwhelmed by her friend’s needs and demands.

2. What are the roots?
Marsha always feared that if she didn’t control her important attachments by doing all the work, she’d be abandoned. …

3. What is the boundary conflict?
There could be two boundary conflicts here. First, Marsha takes on too much responsibility for the friendship. She’s not letting her friend bear her own load…

Second, Tammy doesn’t take enough responsibility for the friendship. She knows that Marsha will come up with activities from which she can pick and choose. Why work when someone else will?

4. Who needs to take ownership?
Marsha needs to take responsibility for making it too easy for Tammy to do nothing. She sees that her attempts to plan, call, and do all the work are disguised attempts to control love.

5. What do they need?
Both women need support from other friends. They can’t look objectively at this problem without a relationship or two of unconditional love around them.

6. How do they begin?
Marsha practice setting limits with supportive friends. She realizes that she will still have friendships in which each friend carries her own weight if she and Tammy break off their friendship.

7. How do they set boundaries?
Marsha tells Tammy about her feelings and informs her that she will need to take equal responsibility for their friendship in the future.

In other words, after Marsha calls, she won’t call again unless Tammy does.

Marsha hopes Tammy will miss her and begin calling.

If worst comes to worst and the friendship atrophies due to Tammy’s unresponsiveness, Marsha has gained something. She’s learned it wasn’t a mutual connection in the first place. Now she can grieve, get over it, and move on to real friends.

8. What happens next?
The mini-crisis changes the character of the friendship permanently. It either exposes it for a nonrelationship – or it provides soil for the rebuilding of a better one.

(by Cloud and Townsend)

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Please be sure to read the most important post at this blog:
A Warning About The Friendship Blog – Toxic – Unfriendly Bullied Bullies Trolls Dr Irene S Levine

World’s Unfriendliest Friendship Advice Blog Gets New Look

Please be sure to read the most important post at this blog:
A Warning About The Friendship Blog – Toxic – Unfriendly Bullied Bullies Trolls Dr Irene S Levine

I visited Dr Levine’s “Friendship” blog today (link to the blog). It got an image makeover, and a tag line, “The Friendship Blog – Expert Advice for Navigating Friends.”

Under Irene’s “Friendship forum guidelines” (link), we read:

-Use a pseudonym to protect your safety and privacy and that of any friends or frenemies you may mention in your post.

– No posting of advertisements permitted.

-If you own a website with information directly related to the topic being discussed, you may link to that page of your site. Any veiled efforts at self-promotion that aren’t relevant or genuinely helpful will be deleted.

-Personal attacks on other commenters will not be tolerated. You are free to challenge someone’s point of view, but please do so respectfully. Any posts containing name-calling, profane language or personal attacks will be deleted.

-Do not post the same topic more than once or in more than one forum. Duplicate discussions will be deleted.

-Please do not repost anyone else’s work without permission.

-The Friendship Forum is not responsible for any member-posted information that violates copyright law.

I don’t see anything in that list indicating that one must register with a unique screen name and log in before leaving a remark, so I’m not sure if she still permitting people to post Anonymously or not.

I skimmed over some of the forums and still see some posts showing up under the name “Anonymous,” so I am guessing she is still permitting anonymous commenting to continue (which is a big mistake).

As for Irene’s odd trepidation over people quoting other people’s material on her forums or blog, is she not aware of the practice of Fair Use? It is perfectly legal and ethical to quote from other people’s work, especially if citation is given.

This comment,

“Personal attacks on other commenters will not be tolerated. You are free to challenge someone’s point of view, but please do so respectfully. Any posts containing name-calling, profane language or personal attacks will be deleted.”

is all well and good, but will she actually ENFORCE it? Probably not.

Annoying Habit of Females : They Ignore or Dump Female Friends When They Get Married or Get a Boyfriend

Please be sure to read the most important post at this blog:
A Warning About The Friendship Blog – Toxic – Unfriendly Bullied Bullies Trolls Dr Irene S Levine

I have not visited or posted to Dr Levine’s “Friendship” blog since around June 22/23 of 2012. Anyone posting there under my name, or pretending to be me under the name “Anonymous” after that time, is a liar – and a few were already posting as me prior to that date, so you can’t trust all those posts, either (the “Anonymous” ones).
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This is from a dating advice article, but at least one part of it is applicable to female friendships. I have known women, mostly when I was in my teens and 20s, who were on fairly good terms with me, but who would begin ignoring me once they got a boyfriend (or got married). It’s very annoying behavior. This article below tells women of all ages to STOP DOING THIS. Stop placing your boyfriend or husband as the only focal point in your life, stop ignoring your female friends.

http://shine.yahoo.com/love-sex/7-behaviors-keeping-single-133900462.html
by GalTime.com

(To read the entire page please click here)

6. LOSING YOURSELF: Something that I see very often is that once a woman starts dating a guy that she’s interested in, she forgets her friends and the life she had before meeting him. For example, have you ever had plans with your girlfriends, but immediately dropped your girlfriends because your new guy invited you out on a date? Men (and people in general) are attracted to people who have a well-rounded life full and are more appreciative of you and your time when you fit them into your schedule.

Solution: Don’t make your life revolve around his life. Don’t be afraid to have a life of your own.

Making Friends Beyond Your Twenties

Please be sure to read the most important post at this blog:
A Warning About The Friendship Blog – Toxic – Unfriendly Bullied Bullies Trolls Dr Irene S Levine

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Making Friends Post 20-Something Is Harder Than Meeting a Mate
by Natalie Thomas

(To read the entire page please click here)

Making Friends Post 20-Something Is Harder Than Meeting a Mate
by Natalie Thomas

I craved companionship. It was clear what I had to do: I needed to make some new friends — and stat. But how?

I thought back to the advice I’d repeatedly given over the years to my single friends looking to meet a mate: Get involved, do things you love. So I signed up for a charity, found a Pilates studio and tried a book group. And, like my friends have reported back countless times before — which I never quite believed until now, for various reasons — none of them worked. I also tried becoming closer with the few people I casually knew out here to no avail. I’m not sure whether it’s the distance, the already-full schedule or just plain me, but any way you slice it, we’re not hanging out and that bums me out.

….Meeting a significant other is hard, no doubt. But, I would argue, making friends in your late 20s and early 30s is harder. At least with a romantic interest there’s flirting, chemistry and incentive. And, maybe even the added benefit of making friends with or through them. Now that I’m married, in my early 30s, currently working from home and in a new city, never before has making friends been so challenging.

And, I know I’m not alone. I’ve had this conversation with plenty who share my plight. So, if there are so many of us in the same boat, what are we waiting for? Let’s sail… to Friendship Island, grab some margs and get to chatting!

Letting Go of Other People’s Expectations

A preface before I get to the main point of this post:

I believe the last time I posted to Dr. Irene’s TFB (“The Friendship Blog” – under my name of “Eagle Wings”) was around June 22 or 23, 2012.

I noticed when I stopped by TFB around June 23. 2012, that someone was pretending to be me under the “Anonymous” name. Those posts were not by me. Since I have not been back to TFB since June 2012 (not even to lurk), if anyone is posting as me there (especially under the name “Anonymous”), they are a phony and a fake.

Please be sure to read the most important post at this blog:
A Warning About The Friendship Blog – Toxic – Unfriendly Bullied Bullies Trolls Dr Irene S Levine

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Letting Go of Other People’s Expectations


A post by Maria Shriver, “Letting Go of Other People’s Expectations

Here are excerpts:

How are other people’s expectations holding you back from being a strong, successful woman? These five tips for letting go of expectations are based on inspiration from Maria Shriver, journalist and author of Just Who Will You Be?: Big Question. Little Book. Answer Within.

Here’s what she said at the Annual Women’s Conference:

“As long as I was trying to anticipate what people wanted from me, as long as I was trying to fulfill other people’s expectations, I was in a losing game,” said Shriver in 2007. ”That’s what I want to focus on…letting go of other people’s expectations of you so you can own your own life, write your own story and live your own legacy.”

1. Figure out which person wants what for your life. Maybe you’re applying for grad school or trying to lose 10 pounds — who is the source of your goals? Do you feel pushed into a life, job, marriage, or routine by other people? Are you forcing yourself to be someone you’re not? To let go of other people’s expectations, determine who wants what in your life.

2. After you get real with yourself, get real with others. As hard as it is to express your true thoughts and feelings to other people (short-term pain), it’s even harder to live with the consequences of living up to other people’s expectations (long-term pain!). It takes practice to get and stay authentic…but the more you do it, the easier it gets.

3. Expect backlash from people who have their own agenda. You better believe people will squawk if you no longer pick up the slack at work, do the dishes every night, or cover for your fellow committee members! Let ‘em complain. Let ‘em get mad. They’ll eventually get over it. You can even commiserate and agree with them: “You’re right – everyone does have to do extra now that I’m not doing X all the time.”