Article about Friends Breaking Up with Friends and Advice on How to Do It

Please be sure to read the most important post at this blog:
A Warning About The Friendship Blog – Toxic – Unfriendly Bullied Bullies Trolls


It’s Not Me, It’s You [A page about friendship break ups, from The New York Times]

If you would like to read the whole page, please click on that link.

Comments left by visitors to the page, which appear at the bottom of it, are also illuminating.

I see some of the same bitterness there by women that I saw at Dr. Irene’s “Friendship Blog.” Some women cannot handle or accept that a friend has broken up with them, or that friendship break ups are a part of life, so they become very bitter, angry people.

Here are a few high lights from the page:

    by Alex Williams
    January 28, 2012

    ….Not so in the real world. Even though research shows that it is natural, and perhaps inevitable, for people to prune the weeds from their social groups as they move through adulthood, those who actually attempt to defriend in real life find that it often plays out like a divorce in miniature — a tangle of awkward exchanges, made-up excuses, hurt feelings and lingering ill will.

    ….People start “dropping ‘starter friends’ from the early bachelor days, or early work associates, or early couples with little children like yours,” said Mr. Horchow, who wrote “The Art of Friendship: 70 Simple Rules for Making Meaningful Connections”…

    Psychologists consider it an inevitable life stage, a point where people achieve enough maturity and self-awareness to know who they are and what they want out of their remaining years, and have a degree of clarity about which friends deserve full attention and which are a drain. It is time, in other words, to shed people they collected in their youth, when they were still trying on friends for size.
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Sounds Like ‘The Friendship Blog’

People at Dr. Irene’s blog, “Friendship Blog” can post as “Anonymous.”

One is not required to sign in with a regular user name and verified e-mail, which makes trolling, flaming, and other harassment quite easy to achieve, and some there really do take advantage of it. If one does not log in, one’s posts will automatically appear as being by “Anonymous.”

I should also mention, though, the even members who register and use a regular screen name are pretty much permitted by Dr. Irene to flame and harass other members as well. It’s not only Anonymous members who create problems, but they do play a significant role.

I notice this following page, which I found today, contains much of the same information I gave Dr. Irene on how to cut down the amount of bullying and trolling that takes place on her her “Friendship Blog

Topix Forums: Cyberbullying [how to put a stop to it]

    …. While it may be too little too late for TOPIX, the following changes might succeed in demonstrating some ethical concern about the problem created by TOPIX FORUMS:

    1) Make people register.
    It’s not a perfect solution because anyone can make up an email address, but at least it gives people reason to pause before posting. It seems to have worked for the majority of blog sites.

    2) Allow people who have been commented about to request removal [of abusive things that have been written about them].
    Interestingly, TOPIX has been forced to do this in Switzerland, where the law gives one the right to not have comments made about them on the internet. No such law exists in the United States.

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Beware of … A Warning About The Friendship Blog – Toxic – Unfriendly Bullied Bullies Trolls

I feel the need to warn people about getting involved with Dr. Irene’s “The Friendship Blog” (that link is to the blog itself, here is the site’s home page link).

If you choose to visit that site, which consists of a blog and a forum, please only read it; just lurk. I cannot recommend people actually participate and leave messages.

I was mobbed at that site by several bullies, some of whom post as “Anonymous” instead of using unique screen names.

Members of ‘The Friendship Blog’ are not required to log in or use verified e-mail addresses to leave posts. That is something which is exploited by the bullies at that site.

The site’s owner, Dr. Irene, apparently refuses to curtail the bullying and harassment at her blog, or she seems unwilling to take stronger, more drastic steps to halt it (I write about that farther below, with examples and explanations).
She comes across as downright apathetic about the bullying that takes place on her site (again, more about that below).

This is a major reason I want to warn people to stay away, or at least do not post at ‘The Friendship Blog.’ Keep reading for more details…
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Dumping A Friend – do you owe her an explanation

Part 2

BEING DUMPED BY A FRIEND – should you explain why you’re dumping? The Great Controversy

The question “Why, why did my friend of five (or ten/ twenty) years dump with me no explanation?!” surfaced a lot at “The Friendship Blog”, and it began a few debates.

Most of the women at “The Friendship Blog” think if you break up with a friend, you should always tell the friend exactly why you’re doing so.

I was dumped quite a bit by friends growing up, and I’ve broken up with a few, so I’ve experienced both situations.

When I was younger, it used to bother me to be dumped with no explanation, now that I’m older, it doesn’t bother me as much.

I could not get the people at that blog to realize that being dumped should not paralyze you, and you should not permit it to do so.

You should not dwell on being dumped for months or months, or to the point it’s prohibiting you from living and enjoying life.

Being dumped is no reflection on you or your worth. You have value whether or not your friend remains your friend or chooses to stop having anything to do with you.
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Repetitive Problems at Friendship Blog – long rambling posts – ineffective

Please also read the most important post at this blog:
A Warning About The Friendship Blog – Toxic – It’s Unfriendly – People are Bullied at the Friendship Blog/ Bullies Trolls
———————————
There are a few reasons I stopped visiting “The Friendship Blog” as much as I used to, and I talked about those reasons in other posts (I was insulted, bullied and harassed there, for one).

One reason I did not cover in the other posts has to do with the mind-numbing repetitiveness at the site. (Not just that site, but almost every advice site or newspaper column out there I’ve ever seen.)

Some of the bullies at “The Friendship Blog” complained and whine that they thought I mentioned codependency too much.

The reason I brought the topic of codependency up as often as I did at the “The Friendship Blog” is because most people are codependent to one degree to another. I see it all the time in the questions they write in or the problems they write about, so yeah, I’m going to mention it.

The Very Long Posts

I also got to the point where I could no longer bear to read through the extremely long, meandering posts at “The Friendship Blog.”
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The Role of Codependency in Friendships

Some of the women, including the catty ones, at “The Friendship Blog” wrongly assumed that I was trying to “thread hi jack” topics at that blog because I frequently broached the topic of codependency at that “Friendship” blog. Some said it was off topic.

On the contrary, I would not discuss the topic if it were not relevant, obviously.

The vast majority of the problems I see on advice blogs and sites are by people who display codependent tendencies.

I suffered from codependency myself for many years of my life (something which I mentioned many times at the blog, yet some of the women there act ignorant of that fact), so I am well acquainted with it and can easily spot it in others. One does not need to be a therapist, psychiatrist, or psychologist to recognize it in other people.

I also notice that because they are typically replying to codependents, that therapists, including Dr. Irene, who owns “The Friendship Blog,” gives the same type of advice repeatedly.

Codependents have many habits and symptoms, one of which is that they are scared or reluctant to confront people directly.

This is why one will frequently see women write in to say things such as, “Can someone please tell me why my friend Mary of five years has suddenly stopped talking to me?,” and the therapist will ask her, “Have you asked Mary why she no longer talks to you?,” and the woman will almost always reply, “No I have not asked her. I am afraid to.”

I see that sort of pattern all the time in posts at “The Friendship Blog,” at other blogs, and in conversations with other women in real life. That is the one reason I mentioned codependency as often as I did at “The Friendship Blog.”

I was not bringing up the subject of codependency for the heck of it or for no reason, but because I see it in so many people who write in for advice.

Member Wonder Why at The Friendship Blog

“Wonder Why” is the screen name of a woman who routinely posts to Dr. Irene’s “The Friendship Blog“.

I think “Wonder Why” and I began posting to Dr. Irene’s “Friendship Blog” about the same time, in the fall of 2011.

If I recall correctly, “Wonder Why” said in some of her first posts that she cannot understand why she has a hard time making friends or keeping friends.

“Wonder Why” recently turned 40 years old, is not married, and has gone through some kind of realization that she deserves to be treated better by people, so she began ruthlessly pruning friends from her life who she believes treat her shabbily.

I’ve no problem with any of that. More power to her if she’s taking charge of her life and is not permitting people to use her, treat her with disrespect, and so forth. Good for her.

I even felt a little sorry for “Wonder Why” months ago when she seemed to indicate that she is lonely and does not know how to make or keep friends.

About a month ago, I left her a reply where I was honestly trying to help her.

I do not think “Wonder Why” realizes how she comes across to people. If she behaves in “real life” the way she does on Dr. Irene’s “Friendship Blog,” it’s no mystery to me why she is having a hard time making friends or keeping the few she has.

My honest assessment here, and I’m not saying this to be cruel, is that “Wonder Why” more often than not put forth a very aggressive, rude, bitter, hostile, angry personality at the blog, and I don’t think she even realizes it.

Or, maybe she suspects it but does not care to change.

“Wonder Why” is extremely judgemental towards other people, almost always assumes the worst of them, attributes negative motives to them when there may not be a need to, and she is unwilling to cut her friends slack for having flaws and making mistakes.
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Anonymous 1 and 2 at The Friendship Blog

I began posting to Dr. Irene’s “The Friendship Blog” around September or October 2011 under the name “Eagle Wings”.

There is a blog and a series of forums there.

It seemed like a pretty nice site at first, and I would drop in and visit daily. I enjoyed chatting with other people there, and I sincerely wanted to help people who wrote in for advice.

Within my first few days of posting there, however, a poster who posts as “Anonymous” began pestering me and harassing me. I will refer to this person as “Anonymous 1,” although her screen name is displayed on the site as “Anonymous.”

People at Dr. Irene’s blog can post as “Anonymous.”

One is not required to sign in with a regular user name and verified e-mail, which makes trolling, flaming, and other harassment quite easy to achieve, and some there really do take advantage of it. If one does not log in, one’s posts will automatically appear as being by “Anonymous.”

You can read more about what a problem it is to permit people to post Anonymously at forums and blogs at this page, which I found today (February 1, 2012):
Topix Forums: Cyberbullying

Within my first week or two at that site, this particular Anonymous poster, “Anonymous 1” would leave catty, snotty messages about me.
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