Friend Poaching – when your friends friend each other and ignore you

A list of links on the topic of Friend Poaching (also known as friend napping and other terms).

I am not necessarily in full agreement with all material to which I am linking.

The Friend Poaching Syndrome

Don’t Poach My Pals They’re Not on The Menu

Quotes:

The consummate party-thrower Carole Stone, author of Networking – The Art of Making Friends, insists that one must be philosophical when it comes to sharing contacts. “I wholeheartedly believe that you shouldn’t be possessive when it comes to friendships,” she says.

“You will get a lot of pleasure from bringing people together, and if you do happen to lose one or two along the way, that’s a sacrifice worth making.”

Stone says that if you meet people at a social event and want to invite them for drinks, good manners dictate that you ask along your original hostess as well – at least on the first occasion.

Thereafter, the gloves are off and you are perfectly at liberty to book that summer break in Italy together, should you so wish.

When ‘social poachers‘ snatch your friends – CNN.com

Quotes (advice) from the CNN page:

• Be inclusive. “It’s good manners to ask your friend to join you the first and second time you hang out with the new person,” says Lavinthal.

• Branch out cautiously. Just as parents need to spend time individually with each of their children, says Yager, friends need one-on-one time, too. “Point out to your friend that spending time with just your new friend does not diminish your feelings for your old friend. Make an effort to spend time with each of them individually so your old friend won’t feel left out or pushed aside.”

• Prepare for hurt feelings. Rejection and anger are natural reactions to friend poaching, says Roy-Jarboe. “As you start to spend time with your new friend, realize that there will be hurt feelings. Talk to your original friend about what she may be feeling. Give her a chance to express her feelings. Don’t get defensive — this is a natural response.”

Losing One Friend to Another

Beware of Social Poachers

This seems to defend the practice of friend poaching:

Things that can be Poached

I detest the Jezebel site, but here’s an article by them:

“Social Poaching” Is The New Euphemism For Friend-Snatching

I can’t say that I’m in total agreement with this page (“Friend Poaching: The Social Crime of Friend Theft“), as the writer sets out too many nit picky rules about when, how, and where to acquire your friends of a friend.

Friends are humans with their own lives, ability to make their own decisions, and preferences and free will, but the person who wrote this behaves as though your friends are your property at your command:

Friend Poaching: The Social Crime of Friend Theft

Friend poaching: When friends bond and leave you behind

Here are some quotes:

Making friends through friends is a well-worn route to new relationships and certainly can be done without hurt feelings. But if handled poorly and without respect for established relationships, it also can drive a wedge between friends.

Jealousy is a factor at every age, said Jeffrey Parker, a developmental psychologist at the University of Alabama, Tuscaloosa.

….Poaching can be driven by competitiveness, a need to expand a social network, busy lives that make it hard to meet people and, of course, a real connection with a new person, Smith said.

Good friends already have vetted their network, and it is easy to go through someone you trust. And some people take it too far, relying completely on friends to establish networks. Smith calls them “serial” poachers.

….Most people learn early on that friendships are not static. One near-universal experience is the first time you lose a friend to a boyfriend or girlfriend, said psychologist Parker.

But even as adults, poaching can draw out our insecurities.

…Poaching usually stems from a lack of respect or care to make sure you are not hurting someone in the process. But there are ways to avoid a poach and transition into new friendships without leaving angry friends in your wake.

There are a few ways to help ease the transition, Smith said, such as being open with the connecting friend that you like their friends. Incorporating the new person into group events rather than immediately inviting that person over to your house for dinner will help keep it more natural.

The transition also can be as simple as e-mailing the hostess and telling her you really loved her friend and that it would be fun if you all got together. And resist gossiping about the original connecting friend, Smith said.

“We can’t possibly protect our friendships from poaching unless we lock our best friends up in a room somewhere,” Parker said. “The reality is as we grow up we have to learn to weather these things, to remain flexible, to be patient with these experiences.”

It’s the simple lesson learned in grade school — share with others.

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Please be sure to read the most important post at this blog:
A Warning About The Friendship Blog – Toxic – Unfriendly Bullied Bullies Trolls Dr Irene S Levine

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