Types of Toxic Friends and Other Toxic People To Kick Out Of Your Life

Types of Toxic Friends and Others To Kick Out Of Your Life

Time To Break Up: 20 Toxic People to Kick Out of Your Life — Stat!

We all have one or two “friends” who drag us down instead of make us better. If you have someone in your life who’s taking more than they’re giving, it might be time to go your separate ways

by Ronnie Koenig

The half-assed friend

She forgets to return calls for months, doesn’t acknowledge your special occasions and is generally MIA. When you do make plans, she’s always rescheduling at the last minute or showing up super late.

“You should dump this ‘friend’ because she does not respect your time or your life,” says LeRoy. “You need to spend that time with those who do appreciate you as a friend and who are interested in your life.”

The verdict: Time to move on to someone who has friendship to give.

The Frenemy

She’s your friend, but also your arch enemy. How is this fun?

“Women deserve friendships in which they support each other’s triumphs as opposed to bringing each other down,” says Jessica LeRoy, psychotherapist and founder of Center for the Psychology of Women. “Some women who are a bit more insecure may believe that they deserve this type of friendship, or that this is normal female behavior. In reality, supporting each other makes us feel much better about ourselves and our friends.”

(more…)

Advertisements

Friendships – Are You The One Always Making the Plans or Initiating the Phone Calls

Are you in one of those friendships where you are normally the one who initiates phone calls, e-mails, and get togethers?

Do you sometimes feel as though you’re putting more effort into the relationship than your friend, and does this either annoy you a lot or hurt your feelings, or both, or make you feel used or taken for granted?

Realize that it’s up to you to make these feelings known to your friend, or nothing will change.

Don’t assume your friend will realize on her own how you feel and adjust her behavior accordingly. Don’t be afraid of how your friend may react when you tell her how her lack of effort bothers you, and yes, she may get angry or tell you she feels hurt. That’s fine should that happen.

It’s better to openly air these grievances with your friend than to keep bottling up the negative emotions, because as it is right now, you are in a sham of a friendship and not the real thing, unless your friend picks up the slack and starts contributing equally.

As psychologists Cloud and Townsend advise, you should not bear most or all of the responsibilities in a friendship, or in keeping one alive.

Here is what they say about the issue, and I think most women need to focus on points number three and seven on this list, above all the others:

——————————————–

Remember the Marsha-Tammy friendship [that was mentioned previously, where Marsha did all the work in the friendship; Tammy never planned their days out, nor Did Tammy ever initiate phone calls, which really upset Marsha]?

One friend doing all the work and the other coasting illustrates the compliant / nonresponsive conflict. One party feels frustrated and resentful; the other wonders what the problem is. Marsha sensed that the friendship wasn’t as important to Tammy as it was to her.

Let’s analyze the situation:

1. What are the symptoms?
Marsha feels depressed, resentful, and unimportant. Tammy, however, may feel guilty or overwhelmed by her friend’s needs and demands.

2. What are the roots?
Marsha always feared that if she didn’t control her important attachments by doing all the work, she’d be abandoned. …

3. What is the boundary conflict?
There could be two boundary conflicts here. First, Marsha takes on too much responsibility for the friendship. She’s not letting her friend bear her own load…

Second, Tammy doesn’t take enough responsibility for the friendship. She knows that Marsha will come up with activities from which she can pick and choose. Why work when someone else will?

4. Who needs to take ownership?
Marsha needs to take responsibility for making it too easy for Tammy to do nothing. She sees that her attempts to plan, call, and do all the work are disguised attempts to control love.

5. What do they need?
Both women need support from other friends. They can’t look objectively at this problem without a relationship or two of unconditional love around them.

6. How do they begin?
Marsha practice setting limits with supportive friends. She realizes that she will still have friendships in which each friend carries her own weight if she and Tammy break off their friendship.

7. How do they set boundaries?
Marsha tells Tammy about her feelings and informs her that she will need to take equal responsibility for their friendship in the future.

In other words, after Marsha calls, she won’t call again unless Tammy does.

Marsha hopes Tammy will miss her and begin calling.

If worst comes to worst and the friendship atrophies due to Tammy’s unresponsiveness, Marsha has gained something. She’s learned it wasn’t a mutual connection in the first place. Now she can grieve, get over it, and move on to real friends.

8. What happens next?
The mini-crisis changes the character of the friendship permanently. It either exposes it for a nonrelationship – or it provides soil for the rebuilding of a better one.

(by Cloud and Townsend)

———————————————
Please be sure to read the most important post at this blog:
A Warning About The Friendship Blog – Toxic – Unfriendly Bullied Bullies Trolls Dr Irene S Levine

Letting Go of Other People’s Expectations

A preface before I get to the main point of this post:

I believe the last time I posted to Dr. Irene’s TFB (“The Friendship Blog” – under my name of “Eagle Wings”) was around June 22 or 23, 2012.

I noticed when I stopped by TFB around June 23. 2012, that someone was pretending to be me under the “Anonymous” name. Those posts were not by me. Since I have not been back to TFB since June 2012 (not even to lurk), if anyone is posting as me there (especially under the name “Anonymous”), they are a phony and a fake.

Please be sure to read the most important post at this blog:
A Warning About The Friendship Blog – Toxic – Unfriendly Bullied Bullies Trolls Dr Irene S Levine

————————————–

Letting Go of Other People’s Expectations


A post by Maria Shriver, “Letting Go of Other People’s Expectations

Here are excerpts:

How are other people’s expectations holding you back from being a strong, successful woman? These five tips for letting go of expectations are based on inspiration from Maria Shriver, journalist and author of Just Who Will You Be?: Big Question. Little Book. Answer Within.

Here’s what she said at the Annual Women’s Conference:

“As long as I was trying to anticipate what people wanted from me, as long as I was trying to fulfill other people’s expectations, I was in a losing game,” said Shriver in 2007. ”That’s what I want to focus on…letting go of other people’s expectations of you so you can own your own life, write your own story and live your own legacy.”

1. Figure out which person wants what for your life. Maybe you’re applying for grad school or trying to lose 10 pounds — who is the source of your goals? Do you feel pushed into a life, job, marriage, or routine by other people? Are you forcing yourself to be someone you’re not? To let go of other people’s expectations, determine who wants what in your life.

2. After you get real with yourself, get real with others. As hard as it is to express your true thoughts and feelings to other people (short-term pain), it’s even harder to live with the consequences of living up to other people’s expectations (long-term pain!). It takes practice to get and stay authentic…but the more you do it, the easier it gets.

3. Expect backlash from people who have their own agenda. You better believe people will squawk if you no longer pick up the slack at work, do the dishes every night, or cover for your fellow committee members! Let ‘em complain. Let ‘em get mad. They’ll eventually get over it. You can even commiserate and agree with them: “You’re right – everyone does have to do extra now that I’m not doing X all the time.”

Wonder Why, Wonders Why (June 23, 2012)

Please be sure to read the most important post at this blog:
A Warning About The Friendship Blog – Toxic – Unfriendly Bullied Bullies Trolls Dr Irene S Levine

————————————–
I visited The Friendship Blog today to leave a post for Dr. Irene, the woman who owns the site; it was in response to an inaccurate post she made discussing me.

I have never left a link to this blog (‘The Unfriendly Friendship’ blog) at Irene’s site, but I guess someone else did, since Wonder Why claims she has visited this blog. I did e-mail a link to this blog to someone else, I made sure this blog’s URL was included in web search indexes, etc. The word needs to get out that the “Friendship Blog” can be an unhealthy place to post.

At any rate, while at the “Friendship Forum” today, I saw posts by other people I wanted to comment on at my blog, specifically this thread:
(more…)

The Cess Pool That Is The Friendship Blog / False Accusation

Please be sure to read the most important post at this blog:
A Warning About The Friendship Blog – Toxic – Unfriendly Bullied Bullies Trolls Dr Irene S Levine

————————————–
A former fellow “Friendship Blog” member e-mailed me recently (again) to tell me to go take another look at the Friendship Blog, at one thread specifically, which I did.

(I discovered on that follow-up visit to the Friendship blog and forum that Dr. Irene Levine made a false accusation about a poster (me), which I discuss towards the end of this post.)

Here was the thread this person wanted me to look at, which is a thread begun by member Wonder Why (see also: Yep, Wonder Why is Codepdendent):

40s and full of acquaintances but no really close friends

The person who e-mailed me thinks Wonder Why sounds nutty in that thread.

The things that struck me about her main post and her follow up posts are as follows:
(more…)

Yep, Wonder Why is a Codependent

Please be sure to read the most important post at this blog:

A Warning About The Friendship Blog – Toxic – Unfriendly Bullied Bullies Trolls Dr Irene S Levine

————————————–
I visited the Friendship Blog’s set of forums today (first time in a few months), and I see that “Wonder Why” is still posting there. She really does feel compelled to hand out advice – classic sign of codependency.

Highly amusing is that in a post called ‘Have I Been A Jerk?,’ this person posing the question (“NYCity 12”) got advice from “Wonder Why,” who is one of several, well, jerks, who posts at The Friendship Blog.

Wonder Why’s post in reply: Friendship and Business Don’t Mix.

Wonder Why is one of the more pushy, judgmental, obnoxious members there, who is making what sounds like a clinical diagnosis of other people she’s never met, an activity which she screams at other people for allegedly doing on that blog.

Wonder Why’s post referred to above is date stamped May 17th, 2012. Goodness, she is still posting there, giving advice?

Here’s another reply she gave in another thread date stamped May 12, 2012.

And a thread created May16, 2012 by Wonder Why: Toxic Friend check list.

Wonder Why needs a “Codependent Checklist – Am I Codependent?,” so she can be informed of points such as the following and recognize herself on the list:

  • If I spend most every day or every week at a friendship advice blog constantly dispensing advice, instead of just minding my own business most of the time and living my own life, I am probably codependent | (Source: Eagle Wings, who has read many blogs and a few books by licensed psychologists about codependency);
  • I feel the best about myself when I am giving advice and/or handling a crisis situation. (source);
  • Have a long history of focusing your thoughts and behavior on other people. (source);
  • Are outwardly focused towards others, and know very little about how to direct your own life from your own sense of self. (source);
  • Symptoms of Codependents: S/He feels compelled to help that person solve their problem – Controlling Behaviors: codependents try to control events and people through … threats, advice-giving, manipulation, or domination.
  • Codependency personality disorder is a condition in which a person focuses only living through or for another person, attempting to control the actions of others, attempting to “fix” others (source);
  • [more] symptoms involve fixing or controlling others instead of facing internal pain, and failing to recognize the disease in oneself (source);
  • An “expert” in knowing best how things should turn out and how people should behave, the codependent person tries to control others through overt or covert threats, coercion, compulsive advice giving… (source);
  • the person who is codependent will often give advice without being asked, or will attempt to tell others how they “should” be behaving or feeling. If the other person does not take the advice, the person who is codependent will often feel angry and rejected (source)

The Role of Codependency in Friendships

Some of the women, including the catty ones, at “The Friendship Blog” wrongly assumed that I was trying to “thread hi jack” topics at that blog because I frequently broached the topic of codependency at that “Friendship” blog. Some said it was off topic.

On the contrary, I would not discuss the topic if it were not relevant, obviously.

The vast majority of the problems I see on advice blogs and sites are by people who display codependent tendencies.

I suffered from codependency myself for many years of my life (something which I mentioned many times at the blog, yet some of the women there act ignorant of that fact), so I am well acquainted with it and can easily spot it in others. One does not need to be a therapist, psychiatrist, or psychologist to recognize it in other people.

I also notice that because they are typically replying to codependents, that therapists, including Dr. Irene, who owns “The Friendship Blog,” gives the same type of advice repeatedly.

Codependents have many habits and symptoms, one of which is that they are scared or reluctant to confront people directly.

This is why one will frequently see women write in to say things such as, “Can someone please tell me why my friend Mary of five years has suddenly stopped talking to me?,” and the therapist will ask her, “Have you asked Mary why she no longer talks to you?,” and the woman will almost always reply, “No I have not asked her. I am afraid to.”

I see that sort of pattern all the time in posts at “The Friendship Blog,” at other blogs, and in conversations with other women in real life. That is the one reason I mentioned codependency as often as I did at “The Friendship Blog.”

I was not bringing up the subject of codependency for the heck of it or for no reason, but because I see it in so many people who write in for advice.

Member Wonder Why at The Friendship Blog

“Wonder Why” is the screen name of a woman who routinely posts to Dr. Irene’s “The Friendship Blog“.

I think “Wonder Why” and I began posting to Dr. Irene’s “Friendship Blog” about the same time, in the fall of 2011.

If I recall correctly, “Wonder Why” said in some of her first posts that she cannot understand why she has a hard time making friends or keeping friends.

“Wonder Why” recently turned 40 years old, is not married, and has gone through some kind of realization that she deserves to be treated better by people, so she began ruthlessly pruning friends from her life who she believes treat her shabbily.

I’ve no problem with any of that. More power to her if she’s taking charge of her life and is not permitting people to use her, treat her with disrespect, and so forth. Good for her.

I even felt a little sorry for “Wonder Why” months ago when she seemed to indicate that she is lonely and does not know how to make or keep friends.

About a month ago, I left her a reply where I was honestly trying to help her.

I do not think “Wonder Why” realizes how she comes across to people. If she behaves in “real life” the way she does on Dr. Irene’s “Friendship Blog,” it’s no mystery to me why she is having a hard time making friends or keeping the few she has.

My honest assessment here, and I’m not saying this to be cruel, is that “Wonder Why” more often than not put forth a very aggressive, rude, bitter, hostile, angry personality at the blog, and I don’t think she even realizes it.

Or, maybe she suspects it but does not care to change.

“Wonder Why” is extremely judgemental towards other people, almost always assumes the worst of them, attributes negative motives to them when there may not be a need to, and she is unwilling to cut her friends slack for having flaws and making mistakes.
(more…)