Types of Toxic Friends and Other Toxic People To Kick Out Of Your Life

Types of Toxic Friends and Others To Kick Out Of Your Life

Time To Break Up: 20 Toxic People to Kick Out of Your Life — Stat!

We all have one or two “friends” who drag us down instead of make us better. If you have someone in your life who’s taking more than they’re giving, it might be time to go your separate ways

by Ronnie Koenig

The half-assed friend

She forgets to return calls for months, doesn’t acknowledge your special occasions and is generally MIA. When you do make plans, she’s always rescheduling at the last minute or showing up super late.

“You should dump this ‘friend’ because she does not respect your time or your life,” says LeRoy. “You need to spend that time with those who do appreciate you as a friend and who are interested in your life.”

The verdict: Time to move on to someone who has friendship to give.

The Frenemy

She’s your friend, but also your arch enemy. How is this fun?

“Women deserve friendships in which they support each other’s triumphs as opposed to bringing each other down,” says Jessica LeRoy, psychotherapist and founder of Center for the Psychology of Women. “Some women who are a bit more insecure may believe that they deserve this type of friendship, or that this is normal female behavior. In reality, supporting each other makes us feel much better about ourselves and our friends.”

(more…)

Friendships Take Effort – by both parties

I was at another site where this letter was published.

A few people actually opined at the other site that friendships do not take effort, because really great friendships are effortless, that if you are putting in effort, something is wrong.

What a bunch of crap that is.

I can see how that view might be true in the “honeymoon” phase of a new friendship, where you feel you’ve just met someone who really “gets” you, and they are a pleasure to be around, but sure enough, as time marches on, the euphoria of the newness of it all will wear off, and you will begin to notice flaws with your new friend. Your new friend may begin to do or say things that hurt or offend you.

Once a friendship (or marriage) begins to age, it will take SOME effort to maintain and keep going, especially if there are disagreements.

Here’s the letter and response:

Ask Amy: Keeping adult friendships alive takes effort

DEAR AMY: I had a huge fight with my best friend of 10 years. She called me phony, among other hurtful things. She says she doesn’t care to have a friend like me because I don’t reach out to her enough and that I make no effort to make plans with her. I agree we haven’t seen each other often enough. But Amy, she doesn’t ask me to make plans either, which is why I am so thrown off by this.

This is the third time we’ve had this argument and have stopped talking for weeks each time. I feel horrible because she accuses me of not being there for her without giving me any hint that she needs me. She now says she is done with me. She has hurt me, and I don’t know if I should contact her. Should I forgive her and try to repair this friendship, or let it die? — Sad Friend

DEAR SAD: I shared your question with Julie Klam, author of “Friendkeeping: A Field Guide to the People You Love, Hate, and Can’t Live Without” (2012, Riverhead).

Klam responded, “I think you owe it to yourself and your best friend of 10 years to have a conversation. If that’s too difficult, you should write a letter. She is accusing you of neglecting her and you are naturally feeling defensive.

“If for a moment you can drop your defensiveness and describe how you imagine she feels, you might be able to work things out rather than abandon each other.

“If she’s open to it, make a monthly plan that you can both stick to, so there is always a date on the books. As adults, our lives are so packed with family, work, life obligations that our friendships can tend to fall by the wayside, but you both need to make the effort together or it isn’t going to work. If she isn’t responsive, at least you’ll know you’ve tried.”
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Related post at this blog:

Friendships – Are You The One Always Making the Plans or Initiating the Phone Calls?

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Please be sure to read the most important post at this blog:
A Warning About The Friendship Blog – Toxic – Unfriendly Bullied Bullies Trolls Dr Irene S Levine

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Friend Poaching – when your friends friend each other and ignore you

A list of links on the topic of Friend Poaching (also known as friend napping and other terms).

I am not necessarily in full agreement with all material to which I am linking.

The Friend Poaching Syndrome

Don’t Poach My Pals They’re Not on The Menu

Quotes:

The consummate party-thrower Carole Stone, author of Networking – The Art of Making Friends, insists that one must be philosophical when it comes to sharing contacts. “I wholeheartedly believe that you shouldn’t be possessive when it comes to friendships,” she says.

“You will get a lot of pleasure from bringing people together, and if you do happen to lose one or two along the way, that’s a sacrifice worth making.”

Stone says that if you meet people at a social event and want to invite them for drinks, good manners dictate that you ask along your original hostess as well – at least on the first occasion.

Thereafter, the gloves are off and you are perfectly at liberty to book that summer break in Italy together, should you so wish.

When ‘social poachers‘ snatch your friends – CNN.com

Quotes (advice) from the CNN page:

• Be inclusive. “It’s good manners to ask your friend to join you the first and second time you hang out with the new person,” says Lavinthal.

• Branch out cautiously. Just as parents need to spend time individually with each of their children, says Yager, friends need one-on-one time, too. “Point out to your friend that spending time with just your new friend does not diminish your feelings for your old friend. Make an effort to spend time with each of them individually so your old friend won’t feel left out or pushed aside.”

• Prepare for hurt feelings. Rejection and anger are natural reactions to friend poaching, says Roy-Jarboe. “As you start to spend time with your new friend, realize that there will be hurt feelings. Talk to your original friend about what she may be feeling. Give her a chance to express her feelings. Don’t get defensive — this is a natural response.”

Losing One Friend to Another

Beware of Social Poachers

This seems to defend the practice of friend poaching:

Things that can be Poached

I detest the Jezebel site, but here’s an article by them:

“Social Poaching” Is The New Euphemism For Friend-Snatching

I can’t say that I’m in total agreement with this page (“Friend Poaching: The Social Crime of Friend Theft“), as the writer sets out too many nit picky rules about when, how, and where to acquire your friends of a friend.

Friends are humans with their own lives, ability to make their own decisions, and preferences and free will, but the person who wrote this behaves as though your friends are your property at your command:

Friend Poaching: The Social Crime of Friend Theft

Friend poaching: When friends bond and leave you behind

Here are some quotes:

Making friends through friends is a well-worn route to new relationships and certainly can be done without hurt feelings. But if handled poorly and without respect for established relationships, it also can drive a wedge between friends.

Jealousy is a factor at every age, said Jeffrey Parker, a developmental psychologist at the University of Alabama, Tuscaloosa.

….Poaching can be driven by competitiveness, a need to expand a social network, busy lives that make it hard to meet people and, of course, a real connection with a new person, Smith said.

Good friends already have vetted their network, and it is easy to go through someone you trust. And some people take it too far, relying completely on friends to establish networks. Smith calls them “serial” poachers.

….Most people learn early on that friendships are not static. One near-universal experience is the first time you lose a friend to a boyfriend or girlfriend, said psychologist Parker.

But even as adults, poaching can draw out our insecurities.

…Poaching usually stems from a lack of respect or care to make sure you are not hurting someone in the process. But there are ways to avoid a poach and transition into new friendships without leaving angry friends in your wake.

There are a few ways to help ease the transition, Smith said, such as being open with the connecting friend that you like their friends. Incorporating the new person into group events rather than immediately inviting that person over to your house for dinner will help keep it more natural.

The transition also can be as simple as e-mailing the hostess and telling her you really loved her friend and that it would be fun if you all got together. And resist gossiping about the original connecting friend, Smith said.

“We can’t possibly protect our friendships from poaching unless we lock our best friends up in a room somewhere,” Parker said. “The reality is as we grow up we have to learn to weather these things, to remain flexible, to be patient with these experiences.”

It’s the simple lesson learned in grade school — share with others.

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Please be sure to read the most important post at this blog:
A Warning About The Friendship Blog – Toxic – Unfriendly Bullied Bullies Trolls Dr Irene S Levine

Male Friendships (a study on the evolution of)

I’m not a dude, and I intend for this blog to be for women and their issues with friendship, but I found this article about male friendships:

Modern males forge deep bonds with core friends – report

Quotes from the article:

The average man has six defined types of friends, according to a new report on male friendship, which says most men rely on the pilot, rock, explorer, wit, hero and coach for moral guidance and emotional support.

“The Evolution of Friendship” report uses research and interviews with experts and academics alongside chats with groups of men [from around the world].

It argues that it has become more important for modern men to forge deep relationships with a core group of friends as a way to operate in an increasingly complex world and that those men are more in touch with each other’s feelings.

London-based psychologist Felix Economakis said in the report, from whisky maker Chivas Regal, that modern men have left behind the austere rules of friendship for more emotional demonstrations of frailty.

…The report argues the evolution of friendship has moved from the reserved 19th and 20th century model, in which men were more independently minded, to a 21st century interconnected world of the kind depicted in films such as “Wedding Crashers,” in which two friends openly profess their emotional reliance on each other.

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Please be sure to read the most important post at this blog:
A Warning About The Friendship Blog – Toxic – Unfriendly Bullied Bullies Trolls Dr Irene S Levine