Friend Poaching – when your friends friend each other and ignore you

A list of links on the topic of Friend Poaching (also known as friend napping and other terms).

I am not necessarily in full agreement with all material to which I am linking.

The Friend Poaching Syndrome

Don’t Poach My Pals They’re Not on The Menu

Quotes:

The consummate party-thrower Carole Stone, author of Networking – The Art of Making Friends, insists that one must be philosophical when it comes to sharing contacts. “I wholeheartedly believe that you shouldn’t be possessive when it comes to friendships,” she says.

“You will get a lot of pleasure from bringing people together, and if you do happen to lose one or two along the way, that’s a sacrifice worth making.”

Stone says that if you meet people at a social event and want to invite them for drinks, good manners dictate that you ask along your original hostess as well – at least on the first occasion.

Thereafter, the gloves are off and you are perfectly at liberty to book that summer break in Italy together, should you so wish.

When ‘social poachers‘ snatch your friends – CNN.com

Quotes (advice) from the CNN page:

• Be inclusive. “It’s good manners to ask your friend to join you the first and second time you hang out with the new person,” says Lavinthal.

• Branch out cautiously. Just as parents need to spend time individually with each of their children, says Yager, friends need one-on-one time, too. “Point out to your friend that spending time with just your new friend does not diminish your feelings for your old friend. Make an effort to spend time with each of them individually so your old friend won’t feel left out or pushed aside.”

• Prepare for hurt feelings. Rejection and anger are natural reactions to friend poaching, says Roy-Jarboe. “As you start to spend time with your new friend, realize that there will be hurt feelings. Talk to your original friend about what she may be feeling. Give her a chance to express her feelings. Don’t get defensive — this is a natural response.”

Losing One Friend to Another

Beware of Social Poachers

This seems to defend the practice of friend poaching:

Things that can be Poached

I detest the Jezebel site, but here’s an article by them:

“Social Poaching” Is The New Euphemism For Friend-Snatching

I can’t say that I’m in total agreement with this page (“Friend Poaching: The Social Crime of Friend Theft“), as the writer sets out too many nit picky rules about when, how, and where to acquire your friends of a friend.

Friends are humans with their own lives, ability to make their own decisions, and preferences and free will, but the person who wrote this behaves as though your friends are your property at your command:

Friend Poaching: The Social Crime of Friend Theft

Friend poaching: When friends bond and leave you behind

Here are some quotes:

Making friends through friends is a well-worn route to new relationships and certainly can be done without hurt feelings. But if handled poorly and without respect for established relationships, it also can drive a wedge between friends.

Jealousy is a factor at every age, said Jeffrey Parker, a developmental psychologist at the University of Alabama, Tuscaloosa.

….Poaching can be driven by competitiveness, a need to expand a social network, busy lives that make it hard to meet people and, of course, a real connection with a new person, Smith said.

Good friends already have vetted their network, and it is easy to go through someone you trust. And some people take it too far, relying completely on friends to establish networks. Smith calls them “serial” poachers.

….Most people learn early on that friendships are not static. One near-universal experience is the first time you lose a friend to a boyfriend or girlfriend, said psychologist Parker.

But even as adults, poaching can draw out our insecurities.

…Poaching usually stems from a lack of respect or care to make sure you are not hurting someone in the process. But there are ways to avoid a poach and transition into new friendships without leaving angry friends in your wake.

There are a few ways to help ease the transition, Smith said, such as being open with the connecting friend that you like their friends. Incorporating the new person into group events rather than immediately inviting that person over to your house for dinner will help keep it more natural.

The transition also can be as simple as e-mailing the hostess and telling her you really loved her friend and that it would be fun if you all got together. And resist gossiping about the original connecting friend, Smith said.

“We can’t possibly protect our friendships from poaching unless we lock our best friends up in a room somewhere,” Parker said. “The reality is as we grow up we have to learn to weather these things, to remain flexible, to be patient with these experiences.”

It’s the simple lesson learned in grade school — share with others.

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Please be sure to read the most important post at this blog:
A Warning About The Friendship Blog – Toxic – Unfriendly Bullied Bullies Trolls Dr Irene S Levine

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Friendships – Are You The One Always Making the Plans or Initiating the Phone Calls

Are you in one of those friendships where you are normally the one who initiates phone calls, e-mails, and get togethers?

Do you sometimes feel as though you’re putting more effort into the relationship than your friend, and does this either annoy you a lot or hurt your feelings, or both, or make you feel used or taken for granted?

Realize that it’s up to you to make these feelings known to your friend, or nothing will change.

Don’t assume your friend will realize on her own how you feel and adjust her behavior accordingly. Don’t be afraid of how your friend may react when you tell her how her lack of effort bothers you, and yes, she may get angry or tell you she feels hurt. That’s fine should that happen.

It’s better to openly air these grievances with your friend than to keep bottling up the negative emotions, because as it is right now, you are in a sham of a friendship and not the real thing, unless your friend picks up the slack and starts contributing equally.

As psychologists Cloud and Townsend advise, you should not bear most or all of the responsibilities in a friendship, or in keeping one alive.

Here is what they say about the issue, and I think most women need to focus on points number three and seven on this list, above all the others:

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Remember the Marsha-Tammy friendship [that was mentioned previously, where Marsha did all the work in the friendship; Tammy never planned their days out, nor Did Tammy ever initiate phone calls, which really upset Marsha]?

One friend doing all the work and the other coasting illustrates the compliant / nonresponsive conflict. One party feels frustrated and resentful; the other wonders what the problem is. Marsha sensed that the friendship wasn’t as important to Tammy as it was to her.

Let’s analyze the situation:

1. What are the symptoms?
Marsha feels depressed, resentful, and unimportant. Tammy, however, may feel guilty or overwhelmed by her friend’s needs and demands.

2. What are the roots?
Marsha always feared that if she didn’t control her important attachments by doing all the work, she’d be abandoned. …

3. What is the boundary conflict?
There could be two boundary conflicts here. First, Marsha takes on too much responsibility for the friendship. She’s not letting her friend bear her own load…

Second, Tammy doesn’t take enough responsibility for the friendship. She knows that Marsha will come up with activities from which she can pick and choose. Why work when someone else will?

4. Who needs to take ownership?
Marsha needs to take responsibility for making it too easy for Tammy to do nothing. She sees that her attempts to plan, call, and do all the work are disguised attempts to control love.

5. What do they need?
Both women need support from other friends. They can’t look objectively at this problem without a relationship or two of unconditional love around them.

6. How do they begin?
Marsha practice setting limits with supportive friends. She realizes that she will still have friendships in which each friend carries her own weight if she and Tammy break off their friendship.

7. How do they set boundaries?
Marsha tells Tammy about her feelings and informs her that she will need to take equal responsibility for their friendship in the future.

In other words, after Marsha calls, she won’t call again unless Tammy does.

Marsha hopes Tammy will miss her and begin calling.

If worst comes to worst and the friendship atrophies due to Tammy’s unresponsiveness, Marsha has gained something. She’s learned it wasn’t a mutual connection in the first place. Now she can grieve, get over it, and move on to real friends.

8. What happens next?
The mini-crisis changes the character of the friendship permanently. It either exposes it for a nonrelationship – or it provides soil for the rebuilding of a better one.

(by Cloud and Townsend)

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Please be sure to read the most important post at this blog:
A Warning About The Friendship Blog – Toxic – Unfriendly Bullied Bullies Trolls Dr Irene S Levine

Annoying Habit of Females : They Ignore or Dump Female Friends When They Get Married or Get a Boyfriend

Please be sure to read the most important post at this blog:
A Warning About The Friendship Blog – Toxic – Unfriendly Bullied Bullies Trolls Dr Irene S Levine

I have not visited or posted to Dr Levine’s “Friendship” blog since around June 22/23 of 2012. Anyone posting there under my name, or pretending to be me under the name “Anonymous” after that time, is a liar – and a few were already posting as me prior to that date, so you can’t trust all those posts, either (the “Anonymous” ones).
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This is from a dating advice article, but at least one part of it is applicable to female friendships. I have known women, mostly when I was in my teens and 20s, who were on fairly good terms with me, but who would begin ignoring me once they got a boyfriend (or got married). It’s very annoying behavior. This article below tells women of all ages to STOP DOING THIS. Stop placing your boyfriend or husband as the only focal point in your life, stop ignoring your female friends.

http://shine.yahoo.com/love-sex/7-behaviors-keeping-single-133900462.html
by GalTime.com

(To read the entire page please click here)

6. LOSING YOURSELF: Something that I see very often is that once a woman starts dating a guy that she’s interested in, she forgets her friends and the life she had before meeting him. For example, have you ever had plans with your girlfriends, but immediately dropped your girlfriends because your new guy invited you out on a date? Men (and people in general) are attracted to people who have a well-rounded life full and are more appreciative of you and your time when you fit them into your schedule.

Solution: Don’t make your life revolve around his life. Don’t be afraid to have a life of your own.